Friday, August 29, 2008

Phone Sex Line

It's all reminding me of something someone said to me at one point when I was talking about the violence of assimilation in the Castro: you would miss it if it was gone. And I thought this was completely preposterous -- I mean, the Castro has never meant anything to me except exclusion and the lonely ache of wanting something that will never hold me. But now, the end of the free phone sex line -- the one where you start talking and someone immediately hangs up on you. Let's try it: hey, what's up? Click.

Note the straight-friendly "what’s up” -- they demand that shit. But let me try again. Hey. Click. How about just hello? Click.

But wait. Hey, what's up? What’re you into? I'm pretty open, like a lot of body contact, making out, sucking cock. Click.

Okay, that's not what I'm missing -- I promise you I will never miss that click, even if I ever miss the Castro! But there are other times on the phone sex chat line when it gets kind of fun -- completely formulaic in its faux-masculinity, but kind of hilarious once you just play along. I'm not suggesting that you play along -- just that I sometimes do, and it's funny how some of the things I used to find the most horrifying -- like an obsession with fucking raw, breeding, raping that ass, taking loads, etc. All of that used to make me feel hopeless and despondent, then I realized wait, none of these people are hooking up, this is the perfect place for unsafe fantasies -- not that these fantasies don't sometimes bleed into actual sexual practices, but that for me they actually take away the mythology. I mean, once I come all over the kitchen floor, I realize no, I don't actually want to be thrown down in the dirt and then fucked like a dog by 1, 2, 3 guys while some other guy is fucking my face the whole time and wait there's a whole crowd watching.

Let me be more precise: I don't want to get fucked in the dirt because I don't like dirt, and I certainly don't want to mess up my clothes -- plus, hello, can you imagine how much that would hurt my body! Anyway, it takes me so long to relax enough to get fucked -- okay, well that's where the raw fantasy comes in because it makes it easier, so what am I trying to say here? Well, it's much much easier over the phone and somehow these played-out porno fantasies end up satisfying me enough that they strengthen my resolve not to get fucked without a condom in my actual life, yay! I’ll have to think more about the connection.

But anyway, now there's no free phone sex line -- you have to pay two dollars, which is kind of annoying if all that ends up happening is six guys hang up on you and then you’re sitting there trying to get hard again because you were horny so shouldn't you be horny now?

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